I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
