he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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