You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
