just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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