I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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