Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
