The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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