The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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