saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
