i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
if you're not jumping for joy when you see penis then you're looking at the wrong ones.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
