i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Randomize