Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
