We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Randomize
