I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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