he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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