her vagine was all disorganized.
Can Purell be used as lube?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Randomize