I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
