you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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