I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
Randomize
