Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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