I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I am naked and annoyed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
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