his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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