never play flip cup with pint glasses
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I party with great urgency now.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
