I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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