My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
Just took my first sake bomb. I love japan
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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