Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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