im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
