My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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