We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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