1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Randomize
