you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Boobs speak an international language.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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