fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
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