I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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