i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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