He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
She bit a glass in half.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
