I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
It was confusing and full of hummus
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Did we literally take a cab across the street
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Randomize
