I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
