I am spending my child support on dildos
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Sorry my hands just texted you
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
