I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize
