Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
