I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
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