You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
