First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
