Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
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