if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
