Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
