I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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