My hand turned me down
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Randomize
