I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
