and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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