If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
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