This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
