sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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