Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize