It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
MIDGETS
????
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
