Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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