Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
