my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
Lesson learned. Don't roleplay with a real knife.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
